Why I Suck at Running

Monkey Busy-ness

In the past month I’ve run 33 miles. That’s a TOTAL of 33 miles.

“What gives,” you ask?

I’ve been busy. Bizz-ee. B’zay. Work got hard and I have all kinds of new stuff going on. The phones keep ringing and emails are popping all over. Then at home there’s grass that needs cutting, clothes that need washing and birthday and Mother’s Day presents to buy. Oh, and I had to do a 100-mile bike ride (which, by the way, could possibly be the only single event that is HARDER to finish than a marathon). I’ve also been trying to lose 10 pounds, training for a half Ironman, going to the grocery store, thinking about blogging (but not actually blogging) and watching the Washington Capitals WIN! and lose and WIN! and lose and WIN! and then finally lose for good.

I’ve got to get this sh*t together. Thirty-three miles in four weeks is pathetic.

And I’m supposed to do the Marine Corps Half Marathon in a week?

Damn.

But I Hate Running

People who haven’t seen me in a while often comment about how different I look since the last time they saw me.

“You’ve lost so much weight!” they exclaim. “What are you doing?” they ask. “How’d you do it?” they insist.

“I’ve taken up running,” I say. “And biking and swimming. I do marathons and triathlons now,” I tell them.

“Wow,” they comment. “That’s great. Good for you,” they say. “But I hate running.”

Yeah. I know. I hate running, too.

It’s sweaty, it’s messy, it stinks, it sometimes makes me want to puke. And it hurts. It takes hours each week and requires me to plan my life around special meals, warm ups, cools downs, stretching, clothing choices and showers.

Running sucks. And there are much more pleasant things a person can do with time. Like watch T.V. or eat. Or maybe surf the web, take a nap, spy on neighbors, complain, get a pedicure, go to the grocery store or drive around in the car.

But I tried doing all those pleasant things for years. And what did it get me? Hypertension, arteries full of cholesterol, weak muscles and a physique pushing 200 pounds.

Yeah. I hate running, too. But trust me, the alternative is much, much worse.

C-A-P-S

CAPS! CAPS! CAPS!

Pretty please? And let’s not muck about with it, shall we? Four up, four down and then move on.

30 reasons why I can’t get out of bed to run when the alarm goes off at 5:05 a.m.

These are actual reasons I came up with last week to justify why I couldn’t get out of bed to run when my alarm went off at 5:05 a.m.:

It’s too cold.
It’s too hot.
I went to bed too late.
I can’t open my eyes.
I didn’t sleep well last night.
I worked out yesterday.
I’ll work out tomorrow.
I’ll work out really, really double-hard tonight.
More sleep would be better for me than more exercise.
It’s not fair – I just fell asleep.
It’s too dark.
It’s too bright.
The clock is wrong.
This is where I need to be right now.
My dream isn’t finished.
I’m too comfortable.
In fact, I’ve never been more comfortable in my life.
I may have pulled something and should rest it.
Maybe it’s Saturday?
If I sleep in today, I’ll be really good and get up extra early tomorrow.
I don’t want to disturb my husband.
I deserve more sleep.
My favorite jog bra is in the hamper/washer/dryer.
I could be dreaming.
Huh?
I have an early meeting.
Just 10 more minutes.
Just 5 more minutes.
I’ll count to 10 and then I’ll get up.
DAMMIT! I overslept and now it’s too late.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Do you know what day this is?

Another crappy Monday requiring a full day of work crap?
Trash day?
The last possible day for procrastinating about getting your taxes done?

Nay! It’s the 116^th running of the Boston Marathon! As usual, Kenyans and Ethiopians are expected to dominate both the men’s and women’s fields. It’s expected there will be high drama as Geoffrey Mutai and Caroline Kilel return to defend their blistering 2011 finishes. As usual, it’s expected that Boston’s unpredictable spring weather will be the real story – only this year it won’t be a nor’easter, gale-force tail winds or pelting rain; this year it’ll feel more like South Beach. In New England.

Wish I could be there.

I ran a little 10K on Saturday to benefit our local hospice. The weather was perfect. I felt good. The course was fun, if not a wee bit challenging. My only concern on race morning was what pants to wear that wouldn’t make me look fat.

As I was coming into the finish chute past the dozen or so volunteer clappers, I imagined what it would be like if that were the Boston Marathon finish chute and I happened to be the first person across the finish line to break that tape. How cool would that be? The only problem in doing that is I’d have to run twice as fast as my unenviable average time on Saturday of 10:17 per mile and go twice as long as my unenviable 1:03 finish time while covering more than three times the distance.

Which is why I’ll be watching the Boston Marathon tomorrow on TV from the comfort of my couch. Hopefully wearing pants that make me look skinny.

Reuse / Recycle / ReGIFT!

If you’re like me and have been running for a while you probably accumulate a pile of used running shoes pretty quickly. They’re usually still wearable but just don’t provide the level of cushiness you need to run comfortably. What to do with them? (A person only needs so many pairs of grass-cutting/house-painting shoes.) Should you pitch all the others in the landfill? Light them on fire and let the rubber burn for months in the backyard? Flush them down the toilet? Wait! There are organizations that would LOVE to have your old running shoes – and put them to good use:

Nike’s Reuse a Shoe Program. “Give your old kicks a new home.”

Soles4Souls. “We procure shoes and get them to those in need.”

Recycled Runners. “Running is hard. Giving is easy.”

Perpetual Prosperity Pumps Foundation. “Never before has so much been accomplished with so little.”

Shoe4Africa. “It’s about empowerment.”

Or how about a little twist on the whole donation effort? Sign up for a Warrior Dash, have a great time filling a pair of your not-so-new-but-still-quite-useable shoes with mud and dirt and stink, tie the shoes together and toss them in the huge donation pile at the finish line. Organizations like Green Sneakers then clean your cast-offs and put them to good use for people in need. Everybody wins!

Of course, there are also hyper local options like your neighborhood Goodwill, homeless shelter or the clothing/shoe donation box at your neighborhood landfill. All provide opportunities for new life (and new use) for old shoes.

Just don’t light them on fire. That would be stupid.

Seriously?

C’mon, people. You know this ain’t right:

Kids Need Running Shoes!

My check and a big ol’ pile of cushy socks is on the way. You are hereby challenged.

Why I Suck at Running

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